Friday, October 29, 2004


What a stroke of good luck! I have seen the future, and I bring you next week's quiz:

1. A hacker calling himself "WeeWee" infiltrated electronic voting machines in four battleground states Tuesday. In Minnesota, he replaced the names of the major candidates with those of beloved state residents. Who won the popular vote in Minnesota?

a) Kirby Puckett
b) Johan Santana
c) Jesse Ventura
d) Prince

2. President Bush finished with 270.3 Electoral Votes on Tuesday night, prompting recounts in 6 states and widespread looting in Guam. Where is Guam?

a) In the North Pacific somewhere
b) Over there
c) Sitting on my lap
d) Five

3. Pundits say the following was to blame for the low voter turnout among 18-24 year olds:

a) Thunderstorms generated by Republican weather machines
b) Voter registration scams
c) Threats from Ann Coulter
d) The GOP's wildly successful "Free Drugs And Chee-tos If You Stay In Bed!" campaign

4. Sinclair Media broadcast a second controversial program on the eve of the election, which was rebroadcast 12 times by FOX News and CNBC. The audio portion was played on an endless loop on every radio station in America and the transcript re-printed in newspapers nationwide. This program was titled:

a) "A POW Story: Kerry Molested My Nephew"
b) "Reporting for 'Do-Me': Kerry's High-Priced Hookers"
c) "Jazzercise with Kerry and bin Laden"
d) "Vote for George W. Bush"

5. What words did President Bush use to describe John Kerry in his 5:42 a.m. Wednesday speech from an undisclosed location?

a) "classy competitor;"
b) "election-stealing meany;"
c) "Uncle Fucker";
d) "liberal fartknocker."

6. Which state seceded from the Union on Thursday after Katherine Harris donned Bush's flight suit, hopped in an F-16 and fired on the Operations Center where recounts were being done?

a) Iowa
b) Ohio
c) Florida
d) Spain

7. Who has President Bush designated to serve as Acting Interim Grand Wizard effective January 20th if the recounts are not complete?

a) Newt Gingrich
b) Dick Cheney
c) Bill Parcells
d) William Rehnquist's cancerous throat tumor

8. After winning the popular vote in Minnesota, Prince (oops, there's the answer to #1!) was named Acting Recount Poobah for the Midwest Region by President Bush. His first official act was:

a) to go crazy, and then get nuts, then spend several hours searching for the purple banana before they put him in the truck
b) to go to a second hand store to try to find raspberry berets for all military personnel
c) to immediately order all cream to "get on top."
d) appointing Sheena Easton Prime Minister of Canada

9. Ten questions is really quite a lot to come up with. If you had to put in a fake question because you couldn't think of ten, would you put it:

a) 8th
b) 2nd
c) 4th
d) 9th

10. Early Thursday, with the rhetoric on both sides reaching a fever pitch, retiring Senator Zell Miller was killed when he challenged triple amputee and former Senator Max Cleland to an Old West-style duel, and lost. Also suffering wounds in duels this week were:

a) Al Franken and Bill O'Reilly
b) Sean Hannity and DanNation
c) Ashlee Simpson and Milli Vanilli's Fabrice Morvan
d) ESPN's Sean Salisbury and John Clayton

(Thanks to IL#2 for inspiring the idea with her comment to today's real quiz)

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