Saturday, August 21, 2004

Tuning out 

No matter what time I decide to have my mid-afternoon meal on Saturdays, that's the half hour that my station decides to air one of its Poop-themed programs. Let me 'splain.

I'm the afternoon anchor, doing newscasts from the top to the bottom of each hour. During the off half-hours we air local programs, national news, or -- as is the case right now -- an infomercial. Infomercials on the radio are never for the Swiffer or an amazing detergent product. They generally take the form of a fake call-in talk show and are almost always health-related: supplements to boost your energy, your libido, your brainpower, etc. And quite often they're about your colon. The one that's on right now is "Colon Cleanse." The premise is that there are a lot of toxins in the foods we eat (which there are) and that they're clogging up our bodies (which they probably are), and that you should take their supplement to fix this problem (which you probably should not).

As I speak, the host of "Colon Cleanse" is talking to his "expert" on the show. The expert is telling us that as adults, all of our bowel movements should be as well-formed as an infant's, and as regular and effortless as our dog's. This is what I have to listen to! But there's relief on the horizon and it has nothing to do with my bowels. You see, it's almost football season -- when we carry Notre Dame games in place of several of the Feces programs, and I get paid to sit and watch football. So the good times are a-comin'!

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